There’s a simple inner stance that changes almost everything:
“I’m bigger than that. I’m not going to let this control me.”
This isn’t arrogance. It’s not pretending you’re perfect. It’s a grounded, stable sense of dignity and strength that lets you face life without getting emotionally hijacked.
I call this skill Holding of Yourself.
It means two things working together:
- Self-worth — “I have value. I am essentially good.”
- Self-confidence — “I can handle things. I can do hard things.”
A lot of people have one without the other. Some people feel valuable but powerless. Others feel capable but empty. The goal is to build both.
And when you have both, you become hard to shake.
Part 1: The “Why Behind the Why” Makes Problems Smaller
One of the biggest reasons people get emotionally hijacked is because the mind turns situations into monsters.
But when you use the “why behind the why” (digging into what’s actually happening underneath the story), you remove the smoke and mirrors. You see the situation for what it really is — and often it’s much smaller than it felt.
That clarity allows a shift: “Oh. That’s what this is. I’m bigger than that.”
Example conceptually:
- You feel devalued — but then you realize what you’re being devalued by (sometimes it’s literally a child, or someone reacting from their own insecurity). The “monster” shrinks.
This principle also applies to desires and pleasure: When you see clearly what’s happening, you can say: “I’m not losing my long-term goals for five minutes of pleasure.”
This is crucial for:
- dieting and food
- self-control habits
- procrastination comforts
- impulsive reactions
Part 2: How to Start Building “Holding of Yourself”
Step 1: A daily 5-minute calibration
Take five minutes a day and list:
- where you usually feel like a failure
- where you should feel like a success but you don’t
Then do two deliberate adjustments:
- Minimize failure-feelings for normal mistakes and imperfections
- Increase success-feelings when you succeed
This gradually changes your self-image. Because self-image isn’t built from one big speech. It’s built from repeated emotional interpretations.
Step 2: Daily identity reinforcement
Spend a few minutes each day telling yourself:
- “I’m big.”
- “I’m important.”
- “I’m dignified.”
- “I’m self-controlled.”
- “I’m confident.”
- “I’m strong.”
- “I’m essentially good.”
Now here’s the key nuance: Even if you don’t feel these traits are true yet, you can still say them — because they can represent your core potential.
Your best self can be dormant for a long time. Potential doesn’t disappear because it isn’t currently expressed. So you aren’t lying to yourself. You’re aligning with what you’re capable of becoming.
(Some people think this is fluffy. If you do, your brain might be fluffy. Just kidding. Relax. I’m making a point.)
Part 3: Why This Feels Hard for Some People
There are two common reasons people resist these ideas.
1) You believe greatness comes only from natural talent and hard work
If you believe value is only earned, then self-worth feels illegitimate until you “prove it.” This mindset makes dignity fragile.
The shift is recognizing that humans have inherent worth — and skill is what you build on top of that.
2) You’re in pain because you don’t feel successful
If you feel like a failure, hearing “you’re great” can feel fake or painful, like you’re being asked to emotionally teleport.
In that case, a major truth is:
One of the greatest wins is continuing to try while you feel like a failure.
Sometimes the deeper growth is passing the test of showing up when you don’t feel impressive.
Also, potential can remain dormant for a long time. Your timeline doesn’t define your worth.
Part 4: Words Shape Identity Over Time
When you repeat something enough, it starts to sink in. It becomes a felt reality. And you begin to act accordingly.
There’s also a strong psychological effect here: What you repeatedly say about yourself becomes part of your identity.
Even if you started saying it as “a trick,” your brain eventually internalizes it as real. So yes—your words have power.
Holding of Yourself (Part 2): Self-Worth + Self-Confidence — and Why You Need Both
Holding of yourself means having both:
1) Self-worth: “I have value and I am good.”
Every person should have some level of this because every human life has inherent worth and massive potential.
A useful metaphor: A plot of land in a prime city could be run-down and ugly… and still be worth millions because of what it is and what it can become.
In the same way, a person can be in a rough place and still be priceless—because their core value and potential remain.
2) Self-confidence: “I can handle things.”
This is belief in your ability to act, solve, endure, and grow. Ideally it’s connected to something bigger than yourself: a sense of mission, purpose, and support beyond your current mood.
You can frame it like:
- “I can do hard things.”
- “I can become more than I am.”
- “I have strength inside me that I haven’t used yet.”
Some people have worth without confidence. Others have confidence without worth. But if you have both, you’re in great shape to succeed.
Part 5: What Holding of Yourself Actually Does
Holding of yourself helps in two ways:
A) Prevention: it stops emotional hijacking before it starts
It strengthens you so you don’t get: devalued, overwhelmed, intimidated, scared.
It also increases self-control: “I’m better than being weak and out of control. That’s beneath me.”
This reduces behaviors you consider beneath your standards: rage, revenge, impulsive comfort-seeking, self-sabotage.
B) Rescue: it pulls you out after you’re already triggered
Even if you didn’t “plug in” the mindset beforehand, you can still rescue yourself mid-emotion: “Oh right. I’m bigger than that. I forgot.”
If you lost connection to that feeling, you can reignite it by reminding yourself of your identity and values.
Practical Examples (Generalized)
Fear: “I can face this. I can handle discomfort. I can handle criticism. I can handle consequences to a degree. I’m bigger than this fear.”
Self-control (Food, anger, exercise, sticking to goals): “I’m not trading my long-term life for five minutes. I’m bigger than that.”
Devaluation: “I’m bigger than being defined by someone else’s mood, words, or immaturity.”
Overwhelm: “I can do this. I’m capable, bright, and efficient. This is heavy, but not impossible.”
Part 6: Why This Makes Life Happier and Stronger
Holding of yourself doesn’t only protect you. It improves life quality.
When a person doesn’t feel good about themselves, they live in pain. That pain makes life feel harder. Harsh self-judgment causes:
- pain from feeling worthless
- a darkened worldview that makes life feel bad
So their baseline becomes a state of emotional pain.
Then when a new difficulty hits, it stacks on top of that baseline pain and becomes unbearable.
Here’s a simple model:
- Imagine you’re already at -25 emotional points, and your max tolerance is -40.
- A new challenge adds -25, bringing you to -50 — too much.
(Yes, I also wish I had a chalkboard for this.)
But if you’re generally positive about yourself and life:
- you might be at +25, and you can tolerate a lot more stress without collapse.
And it’s more than math: A negative baseline amplifies new pain. Something that “should be a -10” becomes “-25” because your system is already strained.
A positive baseline reduces pain. A “-10” becomes “-2” because you have strength and perspective.
It’s like:
- a weak, sick person getting punched — it hurts more than it should
- a strong person getting punched — it still hurts, but it doesn’t collapse them
Final Note: The Highest Level (Optional)
At the highest level, a person can learn to transform pain into growth and meaning — to experience challenge as something that builds them rather than breaks them.
That’s a deep path. Not everyone is there. But the direction is clear.
Quick Summary
Holding of Yourself is a skill that combines:
- Self-worth: “I have value, I am good, I matter.”
- Self-confidence: “I can handle things, I can grow, I can act.”
It works by:
- shrinking emotional “monsters” through clarity (“why behind the why”)
- strengthening identity through daily calibration and repetition
- preventing emotional hijack, and rescuing you mid-trigger
- raising your emotional baseline so life feels lighter and more manageable